See, I have lost the person that I used to see when I looked in the mirror. I used to see a confident, flirty, pretty girl that could turn heads when she walked into a room. I used to see a career woman in scrubs about to walk into the E.R. to perform a procedure on a patient that had just lost his hand. I used to see a newlywed wife who looked forward to having dates with her husband and getting "frisky" later that night. (Sorry mom, dad, tanya, and david but we had a baby so you know we had sex.....right?) That was my IDENTITY.
Now as I sit here looking over my computer screen into a playroom full of toys, a jar of applesauce sitting on my desk, and two dirty diapers folded up in the trash can, I dont recognize myself. (And thank the good Lord that I am receiving treatment for my depression, because 2 months ago I wouldnt have even typed this. A "good day" was one that I didnt completely break down emotionally and tell Josh that I just didnt know if I could do this anymore. There were several times that I just wanted to check myself into the psych ward and sleep it all away.) Now on a good day, Ellie takes long naps and I sneak one in too. We play and cuddle and highlight our day with a trip to Sonic. Because of my medication, and ONLY that, I can handle my life.
I mean, when I was a little girl I never imagined my life as an adult to be like this. I always thought I would grow up to be a power-suit wearing ad executive that would wow my coworkers with my witty charm and unbelievable smarts (he he). Never did I imagine my life as a stay at home mom, wiping up spills and rushing downstairs to nap while Ellie is asleep because I was up from 1-3am.
I went through a very selective, grueling college program to get my degree. Two years of driving an hour to school 3 times per week, and spending the days in between at the hospitals doing clinicals. When I graduated I was 7 months pregnant and I thought, "Okay, I can do this. I will just have the baby and then when she is 6 months old I will put her in daycare and then go to work."
NO.
That time never came. With Josh's job as an airline pilot, childcare wasnt in the cards for us. I never went back. All that freakin' work for nothing. My scrubs were still hanging in my closet until about a month ago, when I finally threw them away. Now, after a year of my xray skills laying dormant, I have forgotten so much and would need to be re-trained. I cant ever go back.
My body. My body is waaaaay far gone. I knew that was coming, but geez it hurts to see it go.
Date nights come around but it just isnt the same. I dont want to get dressed up anymore and even if I did I would have the time or energy. When we do go out alone I dont know what to talk about. It feels as if we are more "parents" and less "lovers" now. And getting "frisky" after having a doctor all up in my vagina for nine months isnt the same either. Can we say Episiotomy?
All this to say, I am mourning the loss of my old self. I am sloooowly accepting that I will never go back to being the person I used to be. I am slowly getting used to watching a girl in scrubs walk by me in Target, and not feeling that *twinge* of what could have been. Someday I suppose, this will be my new normal. And its really not all that bad, its just different. It takes some getting used to. My old self has died and I think I deserve some time to cry about it.
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42 comments:
I think that there are many times in life when we have to find our new sense of normal. As my blog title says, my first quest for a new normal came when I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illness. My second quest (which is still in progress) came when I became a mom. While I'm not a SAHM, I still struggle with my identity. Who am I really? Besides Abby's mom and the sick one? It takes a lot of courage to face "a new normal" and grieve the loss of your old normal. I know I do (both pre-illness and pre-mothermood). Of course, only you can determine your journey but I am sending you hugs and I just know that your new normal is going to rock (even if you're not wearing scrubs).
I really wish i knew what to say. I understand what you are saying - i too have the same feelings about marriage, sex and motherhood (i had 52 stitches +an episiotomy so i get it) - but i am sad to hear that you feel your old self has died.
I know for the first 2 years of motherhood i felt so out of my element - seems almost impossible to get back to yourself. Defining a new self - a better one - is entirely possible. I think anyone trying to define themselves as only a mother will always feel let down - i know that was true for me.
sending you HUGS and wishing you find a way to a better, happier definition of self! ♥
Great post Katie!
I know what you mean about becoming a different person after having a baby.
Everything is different.
And let me tell you, had I not lost the 72 pounds that I have to this day (thats crazy!) I would need serious meds to get through my day.
Getting my life back after T has been tough, but I have a great balance now.
I owe that to my weight loss and working full time (even though there are days where I am SOOO jealous of the SAHM's). It keeps me sane, hip and young.
haha.
You will find a balance. That pep in your step WILL return.
You WILL turn heads again.
And you WILL look forward to those nights out with josh and getting frisky again.
You just gotta find what it is that makes you feel sexy.
(For me that pep came back after I lost my first 20 lbs).
Now I love to get dressed up, flirt with my husband, and turn heads in the car. I feel like I did years ago, and thats a great feeling.
If you want to talk, feel free to email me! I'll listen to you whine and shower you with my wisdom. hahaha.
brandi.laughlin@gmail.com
Keep that head up girl!
Wow, where to start...I think most mothers feel this way. You get so caught up in being a mom and playing this role that society tells us we have to play in order to be a good parent, that when it's time to switch back to the "girl we once were", we don't know how.
For a long time after our first son (who will be 5 next month) was born I felt so weird and out of place when I would go out with my friends or my husband. Like I was being a bad parent for having a good time or taking time for myself. Over the years I have learned that time away is good for the soul and time with girlfriends and our husbands alone is so important to staying sane.
I've learned that I've changed so much but I feel like I've changed for the better in so many ways. It's definately a new life after kids come along, it's harder & more challenging but also more fun & more meaningful, just in a different way.
Excellent post. I have been going through the same thing for the past 12 months. It is so hard to see everyone else (or at least it seems like everyone else) have careers and lives. People don't understand why I don't want to go out on Friday night and stuff. I just don't have the energy after taking care of Cameron and chasing him around all day. And my situation is similar to yours in that daycare isn't an option for us right now either. And all of our parents work so there is no one that can watch him even part time.
I have faith that we will get used to it eventually. Until then I guess all we can do is pray.
I spent 4 years going through a very exclusive nursing program, and graduated when I was 5 months pregnant. My daughters was 8 months when I finally found a job and started going to work for the first time since graduation. I honestly thought I had lost too much. That I couldn't remember all the skills that I had learned and worked so hard for. But as soon as I found myself in the hospital, it ALL came back. Everything. I learn something new everyday, but I am so glad that I forced myself to get out of the house, get away from my daughter for a bit, and feel productive. I worked hard for my degree, as I'm sure you did too. Don't give up yet. You worked too hard for that X-ray tech to let it all go to waste. Hang in there girl, and keep an open mind to going back to work!
We all have those days! I look at myself and think "Why would any body want to see me naked? All the stretch marks, giggly-bits and big hips." I ask my boyfriend that all the time. You're a GREAT Mom, and an even better one for getting help when you knew you needed it. Ellie Kate is adorable, and when she's a Mom later in life, I'm sure she's going to go through the same things too. Just look at the future, it's going to get better once she's in school.
I know how you feel, Katie!
I think you are SO brave to write this post. I think 90% of women feel this way!
We go through our childhood reading "fairy tale" endings, and watching movies where life is perfect. But, in real life, it's NOT always pretty!
There are some days I feel like sitting and crying. If K even makes a single noise I feel like I might lose my mind. I feel like Josh is NEVER home, dishes and clothes are never done. I don't feel like ASHLEY - but a big, nasty slob!
Sometimes, I just have to go some where alone. I feel like I have to get away from this "new life"
Do I love Josh & K? Yes, more than I could explain. But, like you said, it's not what I thought it would be!
I hope we both adapt to this new journey soon ;)
I've been a follower for a while now and I love reading your blog. I think you are one brave woman and I love your honesty.
Katie - this post: http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/05/have-it-all.html was super inspiring to me. Maybe you've already read it? But I just thought maybe she could make you smile like she did for me. :)
Kuddos to you!! Could not have said it better myself!!
I could not have said it better myself. I always looked down on SAHMs for not being motivated to have jobs or for being lazy. Now I know that's just not the case most of the time.
And the dates thing? DEAD ON. We've gone on three dates in the past two years and it's not even worth the trouble of struggling to find a sitter. We never have anything to talk about. I don't think his jokes are funny, he thinks I'm too stuck-up.
I always thought I was the only one that felt like this because I got pregnant at 19 after only dating Mike for three months. We only just got married on New Year's Eve of last year (no, Sebastian wasn't in the wedding). I was in the height of my party days, in the middle of school - actually getting ready to transfer across the country to UNLV until I discovered two weeks before I was pregnant. I always blame Mike for me being unhappy now, but I know it's not his fault. He wore condoms, I had been on birth control for years. I think Sebastian was really sent from God because my mom says she had started praying for him to send me someone to love just a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant.
Anyway, my longwinded point is: I'm sorry you feel like this, I do, too.
Just wanted to let you know you inspired me to do my first vlog!
Hi, I'm your newest follower! Love your blog.
I have a 3 year old son and a 8 month old daughter. I have been a SAHM since August of last year. About 2 months after my daughter was born I wrote a post about me having post partum depression and I was put on medication. Boy did that help a ton.
I can completely relate. Most days I feel like I am 'only' a mother. I have no other purpose and that is a very lonely, sad feeling. The only thing getting me trhough the days is gearing up for nursing school. I can't wait to get back into the real world and make a living again, although I will miss my kids like crazy!
There have been so many times in the past 8 months that I have just sat and cried. It doesn't help that I have the most difficult daughter on the face of the earth either.
I really hope things look up for you.
Thank you for sharing this, we need more bloggers to be this honest about things like this. It happens, we are only human.
I think it's so brave of you to share this with all of us. It's always good to know there are two sides to everything. Many people just see the good sides, but sometimes you need to see the truth. Thanks for sharing!
I totally agree with Casey! You have worked too hard to let your education go to waste. I think there is always a way to have a work/life balance. I was pregnant with my oldest when I was in graduate school and went right back to school and work when he was five and six weeks old, respectively. Please believe me when I tell you that you can totally be the woman you used to be and a Mom. It just takes some time to find that balance. Sometimes finding that balance means taking help from others. I could not have gone back to school and worked and had a baby at home without the help from my husband and our family. Don't be afraid to take some help from family and friends if that's what you need to be the woman you really want to be.
I understand this. I really do. And it's OK. I think it's good that you're recognizing it, getting help. I didn't expect to miss my "old" life or my pre-baby relationship with my husband so much. But it's OK to miss it. It doesn't mean that you don't love being a mother or that you're not a good mother. Don't forget that.
I oddly kind of have the opposite problem you have Katie. I want to have a baby and be a mom and we just can't seem to find the right time to do it with the husband's career being such a mess. I struggle to find my identity and figure out what to do with myself in the mean time, but what I want most is to have kids and move forward with that part of my life. I feel like THAT part of me is missing, even though I have my job, my friends, my nights out, etc... It's funny how we all struggle to figure out what makes us complete.
I think you are doing a great job handling everything at such a young age.
As a young girl all I wanted was to grow up, get married and have babies. I'm doing that but yet for some reason it doesn't always feel right. It's what I wanted. Right? Yep but am I missing out?! My friends all went in the opposite direction so they are off traveling and doing things un-married, baby-less people do. This is what I aimed for so I should be happy. I try daily. It's a struggle that I am ashamed to admit... You, Allison and Blair have truly helped me to put words to my feelings. Thanks!
I love you. That is all.
Neither of my babies were planned but still a blessing and I would not change anything. Yes, after the first oops I should have figured it out. Anyhoo. Motherhood is all about sacrifice. You give up your body, your time, your sleep and sometimes even your sanity. What you get in exchange makes every struggle worth it. I suffered from depression before getting pregnant but oddly enough not during pregnancy. My midwife said that was not uncommon so imagine my suprise when PPD hit me hard after the birth of my first. It was not so bad the second time around and even though I knew what to expect, I still cried a lot and had to deal with my extra crazy hormones for a few weeks. Kinda lost my point here, sorry, but I understand where you are comming from. Even when it does not seem possible the blessings will outweight the struggles. Just know that you are not alone. There are tons of us going through the same stuff.
I haven't read your other comments yet so I'm not sure if I'm repeating anything, but here it goes...first, I commend your bravery for discussing what so many SAHMs feel (and probably working moms too), but we don't want to say because we are either ashamed, afraid to admit it or feel that we are terrible for being "that way." I'm also happy that you have found a med that works for you. Better life through pharmaceuticals, right? For some, wine works, for others it is exercise, but I feel like nothing does the trick quite like an SSRI:) I'm still not sure who I am as an individual, especially now that I have two kids, but I'm working on it and I'm glad that you are too. Maybe it's a good thing to always work on yourself as opposed to just sitting around and letting things go. A work in progress is better than no progress at all. Thank for sharing and hang in there!
I've been an avid follower of your blog since before Ellie was born and I have to tell you that I've disagreed with you a lot, but on this particular subject, I could not agree with you more. I have a two and a half year old son and I'm a single mom, so staying at home is not an option for me and there are many days I wish I could be a stay at home mother, but I've realized that work is what helps make me, me. I have adult conversation, I get to do what I love and not to mention, I'm REALLY good at what I do. I know that's you too, but you have to find that person again...you have to WANT to find that person again. Going back to being an x-ray technician might not be your thing, but have you ever thought about putting Ellie Kate in a mother's day out program and working part-time at a store in the mall (you could get a super fantastic discount too). Getting out of the house and away from Ellie Kate for a few hours a day, once or twice a week, might be just what you need to reclaim your identity...maybe even a new identity.
Keep your head up! You'll always be "Elli's Mom" but there will come a point that you'll be "Ellie's Hot Mom" and she's going to be proud of you NO MATTER what you do.
I appreciate all of your honesty throughout your blog, so please don't stop!
I feel the same way sometimes.
*Hugs*
This made me cry a little. While I don't have any advice to give whatsoever on PPD since I've never been there, I can say that I am probably a likely candidate to have it when we do eventually have a baby.
This may be the tone of your journal, and I know a lot of tone is lost through the internet, but I still see you as a confident, beautiful girl who would turn heads when walking into a room.
There is so much you should be proud for. You actually graduated for one! I had to pull out of school with an eating disorder and never quite made it back because I started working to earn extra money for our wedding, so now I have a job that I'm locked into because of the great benefits. That's pretty much it. No fulfillment there. I'm yearning to be a SAHM so I can have some fulfillment. I feel all the time like I have shot my chances, and I don't even have kids yet! Talk about not living up to what I thought I would be when I grew up!
That, and you have this gorgeous, amazing daughter who you SUSTAIN! I mean, that's incredible in itself.
Hope everything works out for you! I would still like to catch up with you one day if the offer still stands. Maybe you could compare your life to mine and feel so much better. ;)
I love, love, love reading your blog! You have given me so many decorating ideas. And I enjoy seeing the fun things you find to do with your little girl. I would love to be a SAHM when I have children but it really isn't an option for me. It was really hard to read this post because you make motherhood seem dreadful. :( You have to DIE to be a mom?
I wouldn't say we die when we become mommies, we simply become "reinvented".
I'd give my left to be able stay home with my daughter, but it's not feasible for us at the moment.
One of my favorite sayings to keep myself grounded:
"The grass in always greener on the other side. That's because it's growing over a septic tank."
I guess we always try envision a better scenario for ourselves than the one we're in. It may not always be better! Enjoy everyday in the life you have.
Hey girl! You're right, you won't go back to your "old self". You're in the process of becoming a new you. One who is worthy of hero-worship for all of your self-sacrifice and love that you have given for your EK. What you feel is 100% okay & normal. But don't stay there too long. Everything (from working out, to date nights, to frisky-ness, to girl's nights out) gets easier as your kids get older. The first year is HARD. I still hate the mom's who love having babies. You don't have to love it but everyone knows you love HER and that's what matters. You're an awesome mom. Consider yourself a "hot chick on hold". You'll be back, and you'll be hotter b/c you came back after a baby :-)
As for your job/career...you can always go back. Read a good book called "What Our Mother's Never Told Us" By Danielle Chrittendon. It will help you realize that you made the RIGHT decision by putting career on hold...for now!
But please promise me that when you get YOU back in a few years, you won't ever wear a power suit with navy pumps :-)
xoxo
Brooke
Thank you for sharing. I went through a severe depression after my son was born 11 years ago. My situation was much different than it is now. Even after the birth of my daughter 3yrs ago I had a small bout of depression. It's not something that you can just brush off and hope it will go away. It's real and that's hard for people to understand.
Great post...know that you are not alone in this. Having children is a HUGE adjustment, and you will adjust...it takes time.
I also want to add that being the wife of an airline pilot complicates things and makes us different. One big thing I strongly encourage is "me time". My "me time" is on Friday night I get together with girls on the street for drinks, gossip and munchies. It is all of our "me time"s and SOOOOO necessary for our sanity.
Another idea: gym! Sign up for a gym that has daycare...drop the baby off for an hour while you sweat it out a little...great for the spirit and body!
My last thought: are you an Xray tech? I am not sure if they do this, but could you go back PRN? I have a friend that is a PT and she works one day a week, and plans to go back full time once the kids are in school. Going back PRN could give you that feeling of accomplishment with working...all the while your husband can watch the baby so you wouldn't have to worry about daycare.
On a personal note, it took a good year for me to get adjusted to being a mom. On an up side, having #2 was a piece of cake!
i can completely agree. anyone that tells you it's selfish or not normal is completely off base. as a ppd sufferer, i can relate on another level. however, i also think that even without ppd there is so much that changes and so much that will never be the same that you can't help but mourn what once was.
Every mom I know struggles with your same concerns, including myself. At various times different struggles seem to rear their ugly head. I ventured back to school to become a school administrator, however I struggle with my inner passion for education and the pull to my family. We all still have our "scrubs" hanging in the closet. Today is my first day reading your blog and I don't know the age of your kids, however, mine are getting a little older and I am finding time to workout, have date nights (and enjoy them) and down time for myself. One day at a time and thanks for sharing as it takes courage!
OMG I love this post. I covet your brutal honesty!!! You have said so many things that I am sure are going to resignate with so many mamas out there! Thank you so much for being true and honest! I can't wait to read more!! I am a working mom and I go back and forth between giving up the "rest" of me and throwing in the towel compeletely and becoming a full time mom....thanks so much for speaking out!!!
I totally hear ya. I think 99% of women feel this way. My husband still doesn't hear what I mean when I tell him I don't feel like myself. Not only do we lose: Date Nights, Our bodies, and our sex life (8 stitches later and sex still hurts and my daughter is 5 months old), we lose our brains!
How many moms out there can't keep a straight mind and do things without forgetting why they started it in the first place.
Wait... what was I saying?
~c
katie, i totally understand.... mostly... I do not suffer from ppd at all but i understand how you sometimes miss your old life...
Have you thought about joining a moms group? I am a member of the local MOMS CLUB, which has groups all over, just google MOMS CLUB + your city... this could get you involved with other mommys, it has helped me a lot. I am a new mom, in a new city expecting baby # 2. My life has taken a complete word-wind... that I love, but still getting used too.
Keep your head up, Elizabeth
I wanna say, like everyone else, that I loved what you wrote and it made me feel very fortunate to be in the situation I am in. I honestly haven't felt those feelings but I'll tell you why... I am currently going to medical school which makes me feel good about myself...for the first time I'm actually really proud of myself. We also took in my soon to be mother in law and my sister who both needed a place to live. (Lucky for me my mother in law couldn't be more amazing). So I get a balance of being my own person with school, and also having help at the house to being able to spend time w my fiance. She watches Brodie and we have a date night once a week. I am also working for a nannying service so I can work and be with my son. So I guess what I'm saying is do what makes u feel validated, more than just being a mom, and get some sort of babysitter on the weekend for a date night...its a sanity savor. I wouldn't be sane if I didn't have help once in a while, whether it be them watching him while I'm at work or once on the weekend, or just to watch him while I take a quick shower. The little things help a lot...if anyone is in a situation where they can take in a family member, and that you both can help each other out...I say DO IT. Everyone needs a little help.
My "baby" is almost 23 and I still wonder sometimes who this woman is that I see in the mirror. You're right that you won't ever go back, but you will eventually find a new you who is more than just a mother. Take heart, mourning what has passed is part of passing from one stage of life to another.
I appreciate that you're always willing to be honest! What's interesting about reading this right now is that several of my friends who are in their careers, their kids in daycare, are heartbroken about that right now.
They feel as though their missing the most important time in their kid's lives. In the case of my the friends I'm talking about, they do work crazy hours and so part of it is that there are times when they kiss weekend time w/their little ones goodbye too.
I think somewhere in there is the possibility to work towards contentment wherever we're at. I know that sounds oversimplified. And I don't mean it in a judgmental way. Because me? I'm not content. I want to be married. I want kids. I want this recession to be over with so I can be working again. I want a lot of things, very few of which are actually where I'm at. So...I'm not content at all.
But, I totally buy into what Paul said in the Bible about contentment. I think it is possible to be content wherever we're at. So...I think that means that between medication and seeking God and doing whatever else you come up with to get back to you, you won't always feel this way.
That's a lot of rambling to say...hang in there because I think you'll come to a point where you don't feel this way.
I just found your blog and stumbled upon this point. Wow...you just put into words exactly what I have been going through over the past 6 weeks. I just had a baby, a little boy, on May 1st. Through meds and a great family support system I am getting through my days now without crying, but things are still so difficult. There are so many good times, but I do feel like my "old" self has died and it is like I am going through a grieving process. I hope we can get through this and create better selves!
love it katie. you said it beautifully. i am slowly getting back to a place where i feel good about being me, but that's after climbing out of the depths of ppd hell first. you will get there. just keep writing.
Your old self has NOT died. You may have added new layers but trust me: you are still you. The needs that are thrust upon a new mother are immediate and immense, but they DO LESSEN. Trust me. You are in transition. This is just a phase in your life. 1 year at a time, you will see dramatic changes (as you would even if you hadn't had a child) in your life and that WILL influence your persona, but honey - you are NOT lost. Take it from a momma who's been doing this for 11 years.
A Few x-ray tips for you to remember incase you get the chance to come back...yet..I'm waiting for the chance to leave and be a mommy...but you might have actually told me these back in the day...
15 pennies down the well (caldwell view)
and 30 degrees downtown (towne view)
Anything else let me know...
I know you are not a bad mom and I do not know what being a mom to my own child feels like...or even being a full time mom to my step child feels like...but I do know you are doing your best and you will find your old self at some point I'm sure... :)
I wish you the best katie..and if you ever need anything from a random blogger/xray tech/pilot wife...hit me up!
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